Nature’s a witch, with a b.

When I had told my friend I was going on a holiday, he, with unintended sarcasm, had asked, ‘I can understand a break from work, but a break from a break?’

Good question that. This is my third break in the 18 months that I’ve been out of work. That’s because, how long can one eat, sleep, write films, eat, sleep, wait for buyers? It’s not just work, but any daily routine that makes people scream for a break- no matter how exciting the routine is.

Ask a bungee-jump assistant in New Zealand, he’d say: ‘I yearn for a good adventure holiday. I keep dreaming about this auto ride in Chennai.’

Ask a shepherd boy in those lonely hills, he’d say: ‘I’d give anything to get away from this maddening peace. How wonderful it would be to get caught in one of those noisy Mumbai festival jams at 2 a.m.!’

Even success and scandals can get boring with routine.

‘Sachin scores his 50th century.’ Yawn.

‘Mukesh Ambani makes his next billion.’ So?

‘Halle Berry reveals it all in this issue.’ C’mon, haven’t we seen it before?…Okay, which page?

Exceptions apart, routines are repetitive, predictable, dull and boring. And most humans are averse to rules, norms and sameness. But unfortunately, we revolutionists are stuck on this earth- Nature’s very own prison. And Nature- so inappropriately called Mother- is no ordinary jailor. She’s a control-freak, a terrible boss, a cruel autocrat who doesn’t tolerate a different opinion or encourage new thinking. She’s insecure and smothers the first signs of any emerging power centres.

She employs the oldest trick in the universe to rule over us- Create dependent idiots, with routine, and kill their individuality by enforcing uniformity. It’s a trick effectively used by emperors, dictators, fundamentalists, communists and schools. Look around, and you will see everything in this universe fall into a cosmic cycle, a celestial pattern. Here change is resisted. Even the smallest one takes eras to become significant. Even the notable ones are questionable.

The famously flouted Big Bang is nothing but her wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of extra-celestial affair.

The disappearance of the dinosaurs is actually a cold-blooded annihilation of a superior race that was beginning to dominate.

And the human evolution was a silly mistake- she intended erect monkeys, not thinking ones. Ever since that, it has been an all-out war between her and us.

Like in any war, here too there are cowards, spies and traitors. I’m referring to environmentalists, naturalists, Greenpeace activists, yogis, monks- all allies of Nature. Their call for surrender is simple: ‘Meditate, chant, pray! Kill the rebel in you, become one with Nature!’

In other words, become Nature’s chamcha.

To all those who continue to be rebels without a clause, I say let’s not fall for all the charm and beauty of Nature.

The inspiring sunrises and sunsets are nothing but the lights-on, lights-off ritual of grumpy school hostel wardens.

Listen carefully and you’ll realise that the romantic thunder is a maa-behen gaali.

The rainbow is actually a huge colourful noose.

Even the rose that draws us close to sniff its fragrance comes with hidden daggers to gorge our eyes out.

Make no mistake comrades, Nature is a beautiful assassin. She and her soldiers are anti-us, anti-change and anti-civilisation. They are worshippers of status quo.

Clear the forests for affordable housing, she threatens us with drought.

Build dams for power and water for millions, she responds with earthquakes.

Reclaim seas to give children a playground, she comes up with a tsunami.

Why, try using a deodorant, she punctures the ozone layer and throws killer rays at us.

Shout, rave, rant about all these atrocities, she simply finishes us off in one stroke with a fatal stroke or heart attack.

It seems the only way to escape her wrath is to respect her routine, to keep doing whatever we are doing in a way that we are doing. Never mind if it’s good or bad, too little or too much, interesting or boring, just play dumb and continue. The moment you try to change any of that, you are in trouble. How else would you explain chain-smokers who live up to a healthy 90? And about how those that give it up mid-way die in a few months?

That’s why I’m convinced that even holidays or breaks are a bad idea. Nature looks at these as hartals against her. Look at what Nature meted out to me for taking this break. I’ve come back with aching limbs, bad back, inconsistent tan, red eyes, less hair, bloated belly. And without a phone. Yes, for the first time in 15 years, I was made to lose my phone. Mercilessly snatched away from me by Nature, ahead of its time. I was greatly attached to it. Maybe it wasn’t smart, touch sensitive or 4G, but at least it was one G- good.

Along with it are gone all the names, numbers, contact details, saved messages and precious data. Those include details of some of my fondest friends in life with whom I share a Zen-like relationship- which basically means that for the last 15 years we have never called, sent smses, wished on occasions, forwarded jokes, exchanged mail ids or updated each other of where we are and what we do. Yet, we occupied a pride of place in each other’s phone memory. Not anymore. Now they’re all gone forever with my phone, from my life. I’ll stop here. I think I’m going to cry.

Psst…If you are among the not-so-lucky friends of mine, and are still reading this, go ahead send me a sms,  mail or comment with your number. Unfortunately, we’ll have to continue to be in touch with each other until we evolve to a Zen-like relationship.


6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Bindu Nambiar on November 7, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    That must have been some holiday – losing phones, hair, youth….
    I don’t know how you are going to top this RM! I smiled the whole way through.


    • Phones, yes. Hair, yes. But youth? Never said that. Completely your unfair addition. Perhaps, assumption. And guys, RM doesn’t stand for Ramesh Mama, I promise. 🙂


  2. Posted by vineet on November 9, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    your replies to comments are as much if not more interesting than your blogs. Just one question…why always a smiley?


  3. Posted by kumar ganesan on November 11, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    My number: 9930993495

    Welcome back.


    • Gals, this man is a 70-incher (I meant height), has 6 packs (won’t tell you where) and a live wire at parties. And now, you have his number! He’s all yours! (Hey, you think I have some kind of a social networking idea here? Or is this just the film’s hangover?) 🙂


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