Universe, Inc. is hiring!

 

If I told you iPhone 6 exists, would you believe me?

You’d insist on seeing it, touching it, and would want to know how it compares with Samsung’s next. Wouldn’t you?

And if I told you that you can’t do any of that, but would still have to believe it exists, have blind faith in it, spend money on it and go about your life pretending it is in your pocket, wouldn’t you ask me to look for another sucker?

Rightly so.

But how come you aren’t this rational when they say the same about God?

Now, is that a very sacrilegious thing to imply?

Have I hurt your religious sensibilities enough to make you rave, rant and turn this into a huge issue?

Good.

You can sue me for blasphemy, get this ‘offensive’ post removed and even force WordPress to block my blog. Maybe there’s a way to get me banned from the internet, too.

How about issuing a fatwa against me, putting a prize money on my head?

Please do it.

Because that bounty is going to be bigger than any insurance cover I can ever give my family. By asking my wife to turn me in, I can ensure that they live happier than ever.

Money apart, there’s instant fame. There’s no shorter route to international celebrityhood or richness today than a controversy, scandal or crime concerning God- yours, hers or mine.

See the irony?

Don’t pass me off as an atheist. I believe in God. He exists, and has been creating amazing stuff all around since long- even before time became a concept. No question about it.

All I am saying is anything that exists must be up for critique.

So it is with God. It’s time we reviewed His performance.

Is that such an unreasonable thing to say in a world where everything from food, clothes, films, music, gizmos, employees, spouses and kids are judged every day?

So. Let’s do it.

Here’s my evaluation of God: He has failed, miserably.

He is past his prime. (The perk of capitals has been withdrawn with immediate effect, as you can see.) He is now becoming a liability to all that he has created thus far.

And so, I dare say this: God’s got to go!

Let me explain.

Look around, where’s all the good in the world gone? Where does one get to see honesty, kindness, love, graciousness these days?

Okay, outside this blog?

And humility?

Gone for ever.

In contrast, the bad is everywhere.

Wars, killings, rapes, drugs, frauds, alcohol, terrorism…so much that an old-fashioned, simple theft now seems an honourable way of making a living.

Clearly, evil rules.

The problem is that we humans blame ourselves, our parents and our society for all this. We blame everyone but god, the chief architect of all this mess.

He enjoys religious immunity which is worse than diplomatic immunity. It absolves him of everything, including colossal failure.

Let me try to put his failure in a perspective that’s closer home.

Let’s forget he is god. Let’s assume he is a father. The father of this Universe. (Okay, mother, if you insist.)

Now, if god is the single-parent of this Universe, then we are his family- A totally dysfunctional family of a few billion children. And that’s just the legitimate ones.

It is rumoured that there could be many more tucked away in other planets- our half-siblings who I am told are complete weirdos with antennas sticking out of their heads.

That our family is in complete disarray isn’t surprising, because it’s a parent we have not seen or heard, forget hugged, kissed or played PS-3 with. Actually, we don’t even know if our parent is a father or a mother. We have been asked to fend for ourselves in the belief that someone is around somewhere watching us and guarding us.

Have you noticed how all the good that happens are because of him and all the bad that happens are our own making? How convenient.

Yes, I know it is tough to be a single parent, but then we are not expecting a Harry Potter series to be written alongside, are we?

Yes, it’s tough to run a home this wide and head a family this big. But if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt can, why can’t god?

The truth is begging to be told: If god were a parent, he’d be the worst one in the Universe.

If you don’t quite agree, let me give you another perspective.

If the Universe were a nation, what kind of a Head of State do you think god would be?

Lincoln like? Lenin? Mao? Nelson Mandela? Gandhi or Mother Teresa like?

Brace yourself for this: None of the above. He’d be a dictator.

You are probably saying benevolent dictator.

Sorry, he’d be worse than Hitler. The cruelest so far.

No one in this Universe has more blood on his hands than god. He believes everyone born must be made to suffer and one day mercilessly killed. He has brainwashed us into believing that the death he hands out to us is inevitable, and must be accepted gleefully, regarding it as salvation.

The UN would have called his kingdom a rogue state and imposed sanctions against it. The world would have waged an aligned war to overthrow such a tyrant. And yet, here we are, worshipping him.

Convinced? No?

Okay, this one you will have to accept. It’s an analogy everyone understands.

Let us assume that the Universe is an organisation. The Universe, Inc.

If all the evil in this world were losses and all the good were profits, then Universe, Inc. would be a company deeply in red.

I don’t know about you, but if I were appointed the Chairman of Universe, Inc. today, I’d want to clean up the act.

Here’s how I would go about it.

The first thing I’d do is summon god, to my galactic corner office overlooking the Milky Way.

His employee docket would be on the table in front of me.

It would be a bulky, dusty file with Gothic inscription on its cover.

Employee Number: 1

Employee Name: God Almighty

Designation: CEO

Date of Joining: Unknown

I wouldn’t have to refer to that docket to know what it contains. After all, who doesn’t know god’s credentials.

• The greatest entrepreneur ever.
• Built a start-up from just a Big Bang to whatever it is today.
• His experiment on Earth resulted in absolutely fabulous concepts like Water, Oxygen and Life.
• He introduced Evolution of Species- a self-betterment science that resulted in a thinking species- Humans.

That we turned out to be his nemesis, is unfortunate.

A star performer alright, but he is someone who has escaped appraisal thus far. Not any longer. At least, not under this new management.

I would want an explanation and would love to ask:

“Why? Why, in the name of god, did you have to create all this mess?”

But I wouldn’t ask.

I know him too well.

He would look at me and smile that smile which has given us common folk a false sense of hope, assurance, confidence, and turned us into these religion-injected zombies.

I am sure his reply would be something as noncommittal as this:

“No one creates mess. Mess happens.”

An adequately vague and confusing statement that sounds like profound philosophy, but is actually an escape door.

But I’d have done my homework and won’t go that way.

Instead, I would read out to him, his own first law of this Universe:

“Whatever exists must one day exit.”

Without flinching, I would then proceed to say the dreaded pink-slip words:

“Mr. God, you are fired!”

And that would be it. The end of god’s reign.

Like any good board member, you would want to know what next.

I would have to find a replacement. It wouldn’t be easy. But It would have to be done.

So, spread the word: Universe, Inc. is hiring! Applications welcome!

In a few days, I would be done and would announce the successor to god, the ex-almighty.